Hi, JereMaya it's daddy. Today is April 19th, 2022 and for our 15th episode, I wanted to share a few thoughts on an ugly topic. Divorce. Sadly. We've seen quite a few with friends and family over the past several years. And in every case I've made an observation that I haven't really shared with anyone other than your mom.

Divorce is like death. It's the end of a couple of hopes and dreams with one another. All those long-term goals and promises are pretty much destroyed because of a divorce. And when children are involved, that constant contact and connection is disrupted and requires a new radical way of spending quality time with them in the absence of a partner.

The main difference between divorce and death, aside from no one actually dying is that there is no special ritual or event that supports a divorce. At least with death, we have funerals which are designed in a way to help us grieve for someone we lost. But as far as I know and see, I don't think there's an established or recognized social mechanism, to help us grieve for a separation of a sacred union between two people. It just doesn't happen. What I admire about funerals is that death is closely associated with the celebration of life.

But with divorces, these events are primarily focused on what went wrong, the failures and the junk that comes from a shattered relationship.

Also when someone dies, there is an opportunity and perhaps an expectation for the survivors to embrace each other and become a tighter community. On the other hand with divorce in many ways, I see the opposite. Friendships built on the foundation of this couple are strained. And especially if you are a good friends with this broken couple, it's difficult to be there for each of them without taking a side. Their spouse may be the very reason why your friend is suffering. And you being there for one of them maybe interpreted as you being there against the other.

So yeah, when a divorce is formally completed by legal means there is no expected party or celebration to invite guests to. Divorces are not publicly announced on Facebook. At least I have not seen that done before because it raises a lot of questions.

And the answers or even the questions themselves about someone's marriage may be embarrassing. And when acquaintances and distant friends hear about a divorce, they will undoubtedly wonder what went wrong or worse, what's wrong with the couple.

I think at least in the beginning, it can feel like one's reputation is tainted, even when there are situations, when it should very well not be.

So, yeah, that's the dark side of divorce. It's ugly. And it can get very expensive when lawyers and a judge are required to settle disputes, especially if children are involved.

But I've also seen the good that has come from divorces. I've observed that people who are divorced have a much clearer sense of what they want to do in life and the type of person they would want to spend that life with. Or at least avoid the type of person they do not want to live with again.

With all our friends and family who have gone through divorces, I've sensed a renewed vigor and focus and making the most of their life. They begin to set parameters and guardrails to prevent themselves from making mistakes that led to their divorce. Or they begin to explore new adventures they always wanted to pursue, but just couldn't in their former marriage.

There is more deliberation and a greater purpose to each new day. There was also more humility open-mindedness and introspection as people learn to grow and rise from a divorce. And all of that gives me hope.

So what are some key takeaways from today? First. Divorces may be like death but that's the opportunity to give life for your friends in need. Your mom is one of the best listeners I know. And she is proactive in being there for her friends who are going through a rough time. She doesn't judge. She doesn't offer immediate advice as if she knows everything. No, she listens. And sometimes friends just needs some space in those moments she spends time and energy on some intentional act of kindness to make a care package. Or drop off some food. That way, she always has a way to let her friends know that she's there for them.

Second, and this is solely based on our experience. If you want to help your friends during a divorce, you need to take a side. Yes. Ideally you would support both sides of a divorce. But when it comes to building trust and being a shoulder to cry on. There's an automatic conflict of interest, not only with the information shared with you, but even logistically when it comes to time and energy, you cannot be in two spots at the same time.

What your mom and I have done with good friends, both the husband and wife, going through a divorce is that I typically become a proactive friend with the husband, while your mom is a proactive friend with the wife. We each are there for them. And most importantly, we do not divulge or share their secrets with each other.

We are not a bridge to these two friends for Intel gathering. That's not what we're here for. We're simply there for them, for their emotional support and to separately, help each individual be the best they can be.

Third, and this is more of a selfish key takeaway. I recommend memorizing this quote and sorry, I don't know the author, but the quote says smart people learn from their mistakes. Wise people learn from others' mistakes.

And I think your mom and I learned so much from our friends who have gone through a divorce, the do's and don'ts the insights and hard life lessons shared that led to their divorces. But most importantly, we see, hear and feel our friend's pain during this difficult time. And that is very strong motivation for your mommy and I to constantly rethink our own relationship to each other.

We tend to ask, are we drifting? Are we disconnecting? Are we raising our voices at one another more frequently? Are we laughing less together? What can we do to ensure that we don't fall into those traps that start to attack the foundation of our marriage? These questions help develop that constant vigilance, which I think is critical to a healthy marriage.

Well, that's all for now, JereMaya. I know this is not the most fun topic to talk about, but I do think it's important to focus on the not so pleasant experiences in our lives. So we can be the light for others in their darkest days, as well as learn and grow from them.

My prayer for you both is to reflect on these key takeaways and continue to grow to be the awesome man and woman, God created you to be. Love you.