Hi, JereMaya. It's daddy. Today is March 28th, 2022. And for our 12th episode. I thought it would be timely to talk about something that is often awkward, uncomfortable and seemingly pointless, yet I find critically important. It's what most folks call small talk.

I bring this up now, because for the past several weeks, the pandemic is becoming less and less of a concern. As restaurants have fewer restrictions about indoor dining. And as more vaccinations and boosters are readily available. There is greater confidence that we won't get sick or at the very least, if we do get sick, we have a good chance of bouncing back to full health.

And with this regained confidence to be more social and physically present with others. Your mommy, me and especially you twins are being invited to more social gatherings. Naturally these gatherings will prompt us to meet new folks for the first time and reunite with old friends. And when these encounters happen. There'll be plenty of opportunities for small talk.

And this is a good time to define what small talk is. It's something most of us engage in without even knowing. Small talk. Are those polite conversations that often focus on topics that are superficial. If you're simply asking the question, "how are you today?" And the conversation ends with. "Good. Thank you."

That's small talk. If you're in an elevator with someone and they make a comment about today's weather and you acknowledge it. That's small talk. And since small talks, lacks substance, it may seem to have a little purpose in our lives. But I want to challenge this thinking.

I believe that if done for the right reasons with the right folks at the right time. Small talk will directly lead to big outcomes.

Keep in mind. If small talk is randomly initiated for the wrong reasons, then be very cautious. The most allergic reaction I have to small talk is when I can tell someone is trying to sell something to me. And their bottom line is to profit somehow.

Now, there are many good salespeople who could do both in making a profit and looking out for your best interests, but that's up to you to determine if they are talking to you for the right reasons. So when I can detect BS, I do not blame anyone for doing everything in their power to run or block that person from interacting with you further. You just don't have time for that crap.

And that leads me to the reason why this topic is so important to all of us today. Small talk is all about bonding or building a relationship with others. It's a ritual in our society that lets us develop new relationships in a low pressure way. It can be light. It could be simple. It can be fun.

It took me a long time to figure out that when people approach me and talk about the weather, they're not really spending time, energy, and breath to talk about the weather. They're trying to find a way to connect with me as a person.

So here's the gut check for me when I meet or interact with human beings. If I truly value them, then that means I genuinely want to learn more about them. And if that's the case, small talk can be the starting point that can lead to something much bigger between us.

When I think about the most meaningful small talks in my entire life. It was with your great grandma who we all know as Poh Poh. Now Poh Poh was a type of woman who can start a conversation with anyone. Whether you're at a grocery store at, In-N-Out where she used to take me out to lunch.

Or with my friends who were always amazed that they could connect and bond with this tiny elderly Chinese woman with her cute white helmet hairstyle who spoke perfect English and had an American accent. There are many fond memories I have of Poh Poh, and most of them revolved around our conversations.

She and I would go deep into politics and we would debate a lot. It was always respectful and fun, especially when we would say. "I love you, but totally disagree with you." And it took me a while to figure this out, but Poh Poh wasn't the type to immediately deep dive into politics or values or other big topics.

No, she initiated conversations with me about the weather or what my plans were for the weekend or something small and light. I didn't know at the time that she was teaching me how to start conversations with easy to answer questions that gets my mind moving and my mouth talking. And she was always so cheerful about it, which made our initial talks so lighthearted. And you couldn't help, but just smile and often laugh.

These kinds of conversations started way back when I was in college at Santa Clara university. During the holidays, I would always drive back down to LA where our family home was. And I would often pick up Poh Poh, who lived in Fresno at the time since she was on the way down. And it was during these four hour rides that we would just talk the whole road trip.

And then even decades later when your mom and I had a two bedroom condo in San Jose, I remember Poh Poh would stay with us for a few weeks at a time. And this was a time when Poh Poh can no longer safely live by herself and she'd be primarily taken care of by my parents. So while her physical body was deteriorating and requiring her to use a Walker to get around. Her mind was still very sharp. And I'll never forget this one evening. Your mom. Poh Poh and I were sitting at the dinner table. And dinner was already finished, but your Poh Poh in her natural habit, got a new conversation started. And I distinctly remember the three of us were sitting at the end of the table together.

Poh Poh and I would be across from each other. And your mom was sitting at the very end of the table between us. So the three of us were pretty close, just chatting away. The reason why this particular evening and conversation was so memorable though, was because of what the small talk evolved to. And the small talk- I honestly don't remember what it was, but. We ended up talking for. 10 minutes, which ended up to be 30 minutes and during that time, we moved to that topic about family and how important it is to encourage and lift your children up. I, I remember nodding my head. As this was nothing new, but something felt different this time. And that's when Poh Poh, she reached her hand across the table and grabbed mine. And then she began to tear up. She said very quietly, almost as if she was whispering. I've never told anyone this. But my mother said to me, when I was a child.

"I hate you."

And she started crying hard.

I haven't seen her this sad since the day she was hugging my dad when Goong Goong, your great grandpa had passed away and this was back in 1998. And now, you know, we're back in. 2010, 2011. Shortly before you were born. And I remember holding. Her one hand with both of my hands, while your mom's hands were holding Poh Poh's other hand. And. At this point, we were all just crying at the dinner table together.

And it was. Through this conversation. And follow-up conversations with my parents. That I learned that Poh Poh had 10 siblings. I think she was the youngest or one of the youngest. And perhaps she saw herself as the runt of the family. I don't know. But I do know that when she was seven years old, she had an unfortunate accident that required specialty care.

And her parents could not take care of her. So a loving older, Caucasian couple named the Newtons. They took her in as their own. And by the way, this explains why my mom and my entire family are so Americanized and that we have a Christian background. But what boggles my mind is that.

Before Poh Poh shared this very vulnerable moment. That had to be devastating. I had always assumed that she was loved her entire life. Because if anyone met my grandma, your Poh Poh. She would easily be recognized as the foundation and source for generosity, kindness. And just love for family and friends.

And I just assumed that these things were passed down from generation to generation. And while I think that is still true , I had no idea that Poh Poh. Would be. Keeping something terrible, a wound. That has been inflicted. Upon her at a very, very young age. That she has kept secret well into her nineties.

And I remember her looking at me with the most determined eyes. With tears trailing down her cheeks.

And she said.

That for her entire life.

She would never, ever. Say I hate you to anyone. Especially her own children. And that, and that hit me hard. Because. It's so evident that she didn't have an ounce of hatred for anyone.

And I remember the conversation ended where she made your mom and me promise her that we wouldn't tell anyone this story until she, she passed away. So it wasn't until after April 28th, 2015. Did we share the story with our family at a very small, private celebration of her life. And.

I think everyone was just shocked. You know, How something so terrible and hateful. Has really transformed Poh Poh to becoming the most loving mom, grandma and great grandma. So I'm just sharing the story with you, Jeremy and Maya, because this was one of those moments in my life where you just did not expect something. To happen from just a small talk. So, yeah. Small talk. It's really one of the best things that can lead to bigger outcomes. You know, without small talk, I wouldn't have, have this much respect. Love and understanding of your great-grandma. She is one of the bravest people I have ever known.

And she inspires me to raise my children. With the love that she has modeled her entire life.

And that reminds me, Jeremy and Maya. I finally, um, created a website for this podcast. It's called DearJereMaya.com. That's all one word, DearJereMaya.com. And in the show notes of this episode, I encourage you and our listeners to check out the video that your uncle Roo, my brother-in-law captured of Poh Poh meeting you both for the very first time.

This segment is only about 10 seconds, but when you see this footage, I ask that you pay attention to Poh Poh's face. Her body language. Her actions. You will see how happy she was in this moment. And how her happiness overflowed to her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren.

It's these kinds of moments. That remind me and inspire me to continue her legacy of starting conversations and building relationships.

So with that, there are three key takeaways for today. First small talk is an exciting opportunity to learn from others. There's something that other people know that you don't. Someplace that they've been something that they've experienced or something that they're good at. I firmly believe each person has this unique value, whether it's genius or wisdom.

But there's a lot you can learn from each person you meet, even if it's just for a few minutes.

Second. Good small talk isn't a one question conversation, but a bunch of very important followup questions. So the next time you find yourself in small talk. Think about what allows the other person to share more, open up more and be specific. That initial question, it's just a warmup, preparing you for the more meaningful conversation to follow. When you ask the second, third, fourth, and fifth question. Each question should be along the lines of what might you ask someone to learn more about that particular experience, that perspective or their story? It lets them know you're listening and you care. And only then will they feel safe to say what's really on their mind. Or like Poh Poh, be more vulnerable and trusting in you.

Third, don't be discouraged if you feel inadequate with small talks or that it makes you feel uncomfortable in the beginning.

Even if a conversation stays insignificant. That momentary connection between you and another person will be a pleasant experience because you have shown that you value another person's time. And that's a gift. I often think that time is the most valuable currency we have because we never get it back.

And by the way, I'm in my forties. And I often find myself feeling inadequate at times at small talk, especially when I'm around with people who are different from me whether it's by culture. Maybe they're in an executive or leadership position- these differences can make people think, "oh, how should I react? Or how should I talk to someone?" And I would just say focus on the value that you can learn from them and that maybe you can share with them too. And the more intentional we are with our time and energy and that we genuinely care about getting to know someone so that we could add value to their life- if you keep doing this, you will always be learning and growing.

Jeremy and Maya, you are off to a very good start because I've been applying small talk with you on a daily basis and you probably don't even know it. Much like how Poh Poh did to her children. To my siblings, to my cousins and especially me. I know by the time you hear this, you will have much more experience and practice than I ever did at your age to build better bonds with others.

So with new friends, old friends, Current loved ones and future loved ones. I'm praying that you will have many wonderful moments as you actively pursue small talks. I pray that you are blessed by these conversations and that you can be a blessing to others. Love you.