Hi, Jeremy and Maya. Today is July 12th, 2023. And for our 20th episode, I have a story I want to share because it's unforgettable and really makes me think. It's about what do you do when your kids misbehave and what is an effective way for them to see the light and not misbehave again?

It's a controversial issue and honestly complicated because every kid is different, especially when it comes to age and development. Plus every parent has been raised a different way. That means what one parent thinks is wise and effective can be different based on what they value, what they personally experienced and what they learned from others.

But I'm hoping with this episode, you can get a glimpse on my approach to discipline. And if or when you become parents, you can agree, disagree, and determine for yourself how to raise your kids the way you think is best.

But first let's get to the story. It began last year in may. There were a few consistent weeks where your mom and I felt Maya was being irresponsible. She was developing a habit for being late to ballet practice. We know she loves ballet, so it's not like she was resisting to go, but this became a time management issue where we struggled to leave on time. And one of the ways we got delayed is when she couldn't find her ballet shoes. So your mommy and I recommended she have her shoes neatly laid out at the bottom of the staircase. So while we head to practice, she can quickly grab them.

And this worked well for several days until one afternoon. She did not have her shoes laid out. She gave a quick reply saying that she did. So earlier today, and she was frankly, a bit short with us so we told her that obviously she did not lay them out because the ballet shoes were not at the stairs.

We ended up looking for this one pair of ballet shoes for over 15 minutes. It was irritating because we were late again. And your mom was quiet. It's never good news when mommy is quiet, if she's humming or singing, she's at her happiest, but when you don't hear from her and she's pacing around. It means she stressed out.

And when she stressed. I get stressed.

So we were getting desperate. I started looking from Maya's ballet shoes in the most unlikely places. I looked in the laundry room. Maybe her shoes got cleaned and got left in the washer and dryer. Highly unlikely. I checked. It wasn't there. Then I looked under the kids' beds. Maybe they were playing around and things got thrown around. I checked again. Wasn't there. This was when in the back of my mind I began thinking:

It's time. We start disciplinary action. And Why is Maya being disobedient these days? She never was a lazy type. So why is she starting now? Is puberty and hormones kicking in? Why is she being difficult today? Where did this disobedience come from?

As you can see the spiraling negativity with no clear answers, wasn't helping the situation. So I started focusing on questions that could help us move forward.

How can Mindy and I encourage Maya or discipline her to be the good daughter we know she is. And in this chaotic moment, I never came up with the final solution because I ended up in our own master bedroom.

I knew the shoes couldn't be here, but had already checked the rest of the house.

So I looked under the bed. It's utterly ridiculous to do that since the kids did not play in our bedroom. But I wanted to be thorough and I busted out the flashlight and scanned for what was underneath. And then my jaw dropped. Maya's ballet shoes were there. But that wasn't the only thing under our bed.

No. There were several items that we lost many weeks earlier, socks shirts, random house decorations. Then it hit me. Someone was hiding them underneath our bed. It was a hoard of treasure. But treasure to who? Aside from Maya's ballet shoes, kids do not care about these little items. There were old stuffed animals, old crinkled paper, like Amazon order receipts.

And then a plethora of cat toys and yup. You know, what's happened. There was only one member of the family who would hoard treasure like this under our bed. Momo, our family cat. Little did we all know we had a mastermind criminal in our household.

And fast-forward a bit, this orange Tabby, a few weeks later stole my Allbirds shoe. I think it was my left one. I was looking everywhere for it because I usually left the pair of shoes at our front door entrance. And then I thought would Momo take this too? This is a size nine shoe. And well, I looked under the bed and bam, there it is underneath my mattress.

The Fur Ball is devious. We let him in the bedroom when we sleep. And we think he snuggles with us most of the night, but obviously he was up to no good.

So back to Maya. Both Mindy. And I apologized to her for assuming she was being irresponsible. Of course, Maya, you as the good obedient daughter, forgave us and was laughing hard at the situation. If anything, we have a new found, respect and fear for our family pet, and we need to keep a closer eye on him.

Now, back to the main topic for this episode. What should parents do when it comes to disciplinary action? I'm still figuring this out.

For the most part. When the twins are doing something they know they should not be doing, or when they are not doing something they should be doing. Mindy and I verbally admonish them in a cautious tone. It's like a slight request to shape up without much of a threat. For example, I would say something like, Hey kiddos, should we be playing video games before washing the dishes and walking Momo outside?

And with that kind of nudge, the twins do great. 99% of the time. But there are moments when one of you pushes it to the next level.

I remember on two occasions, Jeremy would lightly kick Maya in the butt because she was verbally annoying him, Or Maya would punch Jeremy in the arm because he was blocking her path to the bathroom. or they're just play fighting. They know the rules. There is no physical harm to each other whatsoever.

These kinds of things usually happen after bickering so when these violations happen and I hear the whining , I give out a stern warning with my "strict voice." I specifically call out a name and tell them to stop. And focus. And when I don't think I got their attention. I follow up with the consequence that they will regret. So I would say something like, " Behave or I take away video game time for tomorrow."

And if one of you actually did get hurt, I would just take away video game time. At this point 30 minutes of game time, or screen time is worth a lot for both of you on school days. And we know you value your time. These are precious, fun activities that you don't want to give up easily.

Not sure it'll work a year from now, but I do believe my disciplinary action principles will remain the same. So to sum it up. You twins have wonderful privileges, like being able to watch TV, video games, playing magic, the gathering, watching movies at the theater, sushi dinners for special occasions, you name it. Life is good.

But when you abuse your privileges or misbehave, I, as your judge and enforcer, will take away those privileges for a certain amount of time, based on the severity of your disobedience. If that stops working well, I'll have to update this podcast and share what works best then.

I'm not going to say I'm the perfect dad with the perfect solution. This works for you, twins alone. And I'm grateful. And as proud as I am of very well-behaved children, for the most part, I think a lot of the wisdom and progress I've experienced is due to trial and error.

And boy, I really do think I messed up a lot in your younger years.

Did you know, I tried spanking you when you were toddlers? I'll never forget the cries you gave out and how guilty I felt because in the end, I don't think spanking worked at all. I don't think you're developing minds knew what was right and wrong at the time and experiencing physical pain might have potentially made you want to stay clear of me without you really knowing why.

And when I think about it, I think I only spanked Maya. Uh, she was much younger and I think it was only because she was bullying Jeremy around, stealing her little brother's toys, pushing him a lot to the floor. So for the spanking. I'm sorry, Maya. I really don't think this form of disciplinary action worked at all.

I do remember one time, Maya, I got really angry at you. And again, I think you were just pushing Jeremy around so this time, and it was only one time I trapped you in our old home's laundry room with the lights turned off. There was still ambient light, creeping from the kitchen lights through the bottom of the laundry room's door. But for the most part, the room was dark.

And once I heard your shriek. I seriously questioned if I was doing the right thing. And it broke my heart to hear your cries. I think you really only in there for like 30 seconds, maybe a minute, but it probably felt like eternity to you. And just hearing your cries filled me with dread.

And I knew you weren't acting or pretend to be scared. So, yeah, I really regret doing that.

The only good news is that shortly after that incident, Maya. You made remarkable progress in not bullying Jeremy around. But the bad news is that over the next several years, You were truly afraid of the dark.

And even to this day, you get very anxious whenever you feel like you're trapped in a room. And that's why I think you like to keep your bedroom doors open in general. I vividly remember a few years ago when we were on a road trip to Los Angeles and you had to use the public restroom. Mommy. And you went into the ladies room and when you were both done with your business, for some reason, mommy, couldn't open the door to exit the restroom.

I remember hearing mommy pounding the door and shouting my name because the door felt jammed. It was hard to hear her because Maya, you were screaming. And thankfully with enough force, I was able to open the door from the outside, but by then, Maya, you were hysterical and it took some time to calm you down.

I can't help, but think that I might have planted that seed of terror. In my daughter because of my failed disciplinary action.

So there you go. Kiddos disciplinary action. I think every good parent does not take pleasure in enforcing them. But I do believe every good parent needs to enforce them when things are out of order.

So, yes, there is difficulty in disciplining your child, not only in how one does it, but I think it's also timing. And most importantly, the follow-up. Every time I punished and penalize you kiddos. I let you know why we are taking such action. It's so that you have a clear understanding that there are consequences for bad behavior. And even though we are enforcing such an unpleasant action, we do it because we love you and want you to be at your best. I would say those words very clearly. I think many parents forget that crucial detail. They unleashed this disciplinary action, which I have no doubt that every kid will remember how unpleasant that experience is.

But I think many parents fail to teach their kids the Why. And most importantly, let them know that they have caring parents, that they're not enjoying this, that this is part of a process. So that the kids know. That we are looking out for them. And we have their best interests in mind.

So if you're anything like me, please know that I did not get this whole disciplinary action, right from the beginning. In fact, I think it's a lifelong journey of figuring out what are the best methods to encourage and guide your kids to grow.

We've all read books, seen movies, heard stories of parents. Blessing their children or traumatizing them with deep wounds.

My goal in life is not to inflict deep wounds that stay with you forever. And I have no doubt that I've already done that to some level, especially to you Maya. And I'm sorry for that.

I just thank God so much for blessing me with two wonderful children. I'm truly proud and in awe of the kids, you have grown up to be. Jeremy and Maya. You're 11 years old today. And I often receive the nicest compliments from your grandparents, aunties, uncles, teachers.

And even your friends' parents. And they talk about how respectful and thoughtful you are to those around you. I also love the fact that you still love to hold my hand in public or give me hugs and kisses in front of your friends and family. I know these things may not happen or continue as you become preteens and teenagers. But for now. I love every single moment. So when you proactively express some form of love. This gives me confidence that your mommy and I are on the right path.

So thank you for that.

Love you.